Quack publishers vote for Spanish-only print publication by fall 2022

Disclaimer: This article is published under the charlatans satirical section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.

The CharlatanThe annual team meeting took place on Friday 1 April. The editorial team used to meet once a week, but editor Gilligan Pfeiffer said last year that “one meeting is more than enough”.

And most section editors agreed.

“Hey, if I do the absolute bare minimum and get paid, I’m happy,” said national editor Ben Dover. “After all, we are just a student newspaper. Who reads this shit anyway?

The editors discussed many different topics during the meeting, but only a few had to do with the Charlatan. There was a lot of talk about turtles and, when asked about relevance, one of the editors whose Zoom name was tagged “#IAmARaven”, didn’t mute and shouted “Mind your business buddy!”

The atmosphere of the meeting was tense and awkward, especially with Dover constantly using the “raise hands” feature in Zoom while everyone was unmuting and talking freely. Pfeiffer rolled his eyes and threatened to fire him every time that happened.

But by far the most shocking was the editorial’s rogue decision to make the paper a Spanish-only publication by the fall semester of 2022.

The editor, who legally changed his name to Christiano Ronaldo based on the editorial vote, was very enthusiastic about the decision.

“He was a Spanish student in Carleton for four years and never needed to be a Google translator, creo que esta es una gran decisión,” Ronaldo said.

Pfeiffer said Ronaldo had only been speaking Spanish for two months and other editors had no idea what she was saying.

“Spanish is a cool language and it looks like it knows what it’s doing,” she said. “I don’t think anyone actually reads our content anyway, so changing languages ​​shouldn’t be a big deal.”

And while decisions like this are usually addressed to the Charlatanof the annual general meeting with board members and other eligible voters, Pfeiffer said “she couldn’t care less.”

“I run this place and if people want to write for us I suggest they sign up for Spanish classes.”

Graphic presented by Señorita Sara.

Jacob L. Thornton